I'd Rather Be Shot than Stabbed!

Date: Thursday, July 29th
Place: Primrose Hill

Although Lisa was mildly hungover from attending silent discos and science lectures, and my brain was fried from writing about pet rocks and Japanese skin clarifying techniques all night, we still believed that a picnic would be the best way to cure our respective ailments through the peaceful nature of the English urban countryside.



Primrose Hill is a section of sloping pristine parkway that lies directly to the north of Regent's Park (also on our official picnic to-do list). It's renowned for its views of the city of London, as well as for being the current or former home of notable residents such as Enrique Iglesias, Jude Law, Ewan Mcgregor, and of course, Adam Ant. (This is according to Wikipedia, which means it must be true.) Not that we expected to see any of these people on this fine overcast day, and not that we would care if we did, because true Ladies understand that Celebrity may be fleeting, but Good Breeding is eternal.

The view of London is quite impressive in a mainly flat town:



Due to the last-minute nature of this picnic, we had no time to prepare our own provisions, and thus it was necessary yet again to pay a visit to Sainsbury's, our consistent savior.

On this visit, we managed to rustle up a bean salad, Boursin cheese and water crackers, a pint of blueberries, smoked salmon, and a bottle of Chardonnay. Of course, the kitkat bar at the checkout counter called our name as well, and we made the grand discovery that half-melted kitkats with blueberries is a divine treat worth exploring!




What we both appreciated about Primrose Hill on a Thursday afternoon was that there were other picnickers in the park, yet it was still relatively peaceful.



Peaceful, that is, save for two troubling disturbances.

An ominously steady cloud of bees surrounded us, drawn perhaps by the black tights/yellow shoes combination that made me look like their queen. Or perhaps this was due to the fact that we were sitting in the middle of a patch of clover. The bees were mainly benign, however, having grown lazy on clover and picnic droppings.

The second disturbance came from our old friends, the English Teenagers on Summer Holiday. While last week they were peacefully snogging, this week they were clearly up to no good. Or at least that is what we could discern while such violent war cries as "OI!", "I'M GOING TO GET SOME FOOD," and "CAN I BORROW YOUR CREDDY!" filled the air. We then realized that it is a clear sign that you have grown old when you begin to become threatened by teenagers. But everyone knows this.



Lisa is a bonafide born-and-raised-New-Yorker. I myself have spent a significant amount of time living there as well, along with similarly badass locations throughout the world, such as Montevideo. Between the two of us Ladies we would like to think that we know how to defend ourselves. As i brandished a plastic fork and she positioned the wine bottle closer to her person, we hatched a plot to take out the kids should the need arise. We decided that London teens are far scarier than their NYC counterparts, because it is a far more prolonged and painful process to be stabbed than shot. Or so we have heard.

After we realized that our conversation had crossed very deeply into non-ladylike territory, we decided it was time to head to a more civilized location: The Pub. There we played a fair game of Scrabble over a couple of pints.



I lost and was none too pleased.

Lisa took her victory drink, as was necessary.

We headed home, with visions of Portobello Market and Holland Park dancing in our eyes. Tomorrow, we promise to wear gloves!

Your Essential Picnic Accessories

We do hope you choose to join us during our summer's journey to self-improvement. If so, we have compiled a list of picnic essentials that can help even the most unrefined locate her innermost lady. Not that we own any of the below but it doesn't mean we can't dream of possessing such fabulous goods or suggest you spend your own money on them.

The first device is a pretty floral picnic basket to hold all of your dignified items. It includes proper utensils, a salt and pepper shaker, a wine bottle opener, ceramic plates and glassware. Meaning: no more plastic (ghetto) champagne flutes and paper plates from Sainsbury's!

Not only is this faded floral picnic blanket padded, but it's also waterproof for the hardcore lady who isn't going to let a little meadow dampness get in her way.

I thought this was a pretty ingenious tool that not only comes with built-in knives to cut your delectable cheeses, but can also be used to display your foods in the tiered high tea fashion. Of course we all know that nothing says "I am a proper and sophisticated lady!" like afternoon tea. Guaranteed to make your fellow picknickers jealous of just how classy you are.

Ideal for those day picnics that last into wee hours of the night, these glow in the dark wine glass holders are a must! Not only do these help you find your drink in the dark, but they also keep your fine glass from falling over. Especially handy if you're like us and stupidly think the best picnic spots are sloped grassy knolls.

And for those hot and sunny days, why not try a pretty handheld fan or lacy parasol? Guaranteed just holding one will make you feel more ladylike!

Life Imitates Art...

....or so says Oscar Wilde and Andy Warhol and potentially hundreds of others. If Lisa and I are to become successful picnickers, then, it seems that we must turn our eyes to the artistic examples that have been set before us and learn from the past.

One of the art movements that is most predisposed to depictions of picnics is the Rococo, which is not coincidentally also one of the most frivolous art movements of all time. Watteau's "Les Champs-Elysees" is a fine example of this.



Clearly one of the most famous examples of picnic art would be Edouard Manet's "Le Dejeuner sur l'Herbe."



The predecessor to this charming picnic display dates back to the High Renaissance, with Giorgone's "Fete Champetre," another depiction of naked Ladies picnicking with bohemian fellows. The lesson we are supposed to take away regarding proper picnics is quite clear from these two images, but I don't think we are quite ready for that just yet.



For a more modern look at picnics in art, we could turn to the work of the Colombian artist, Fernando Botero. His picnics seem to be more our speed, with a tendency towards drinking, smoking, and napping.



However, the contemporary artist who perhaps captures the picnic atmosphere that we would most like to emulate is Vladimir Pervuninsky, a Russian whose paintings would seem just as relevant hundreds of years ago as they do today, much like our picnics. Behold "A Picnic in the Pink Garden," painted in 2007, for example.

An Unsteady Debut

Date: Friday, July 22nd
Place: St. James's Park

According to the "Royal Parks" website put forth by the City of London, "St James's Park is the oldest Royal Park in London and is surrounded by three palaces. The most ancient is Westminster, which has now become the Houses of Parliament, St James's Palace and of course, the best known, Buckingham Palace."

This royal pedigree, combined with the fact that it is perhaps the closest park to Lisa's house and that we were feeling exceptionally lazy this afternoon (as we are on most afternoons), made it the perfect spot for our debut picnic as true London Ladies.

Before beginning our picnic, we popped by Sainsbury's for a few essentials.



Although we usually tend to spend several hours in Sainsbury's weighing the merits of each aisle's treats, we were shockingly efficient due to hunger and the threat of rain, and managed to purchase: two tomato tarts, olives with sundried tomatoes and manchego, a tropical fruit assortment, orange juice, and a bottle of prosecco. (For proper mimosas, not "Buck's Fizz" bullshit.)

We were mighty pleased with ourselves.




We engaged in pleasant ladylike conversation and tried to shush ourselves whenever the word "hate" entered the vocabulary. ("I hate children." "I hate couples making out in the park." "I hate geese." "I hate eating outside.")

There were indeed many couples making out, or "snogging" in the park that day, despite the overcast weather. Many of these couples were approximately twelve years old. Because watching twelve year olds groping one another is not ladylike behavior, we turned our heads. Except for when we took photographs of them.



In addition to tweens in reclining positions, St. James's Park is also home to squirrels that are able to perform hitherto unheard-of acrobatics, bees the size of golfballs, and men who like to stare at ladies having picnics.

Although we thought we had brought a very reasonable amount of food and drink to our first picnic, we still felt uncomfortably full at the conclusion. This led to much complaining, and clutching of the stomachs.



Our time in St. James's Park was not only a learning experience but a wonderfully pleasant afternoon, and we delight in the thought of many more to come this summer, with increasingly ladylike results.